It is always her fault.
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 Alterjack confronts her, asking why she hasn't done anything all week. When Celestia states she's been doing "self-care," AUJ rhetorically asks: "Isn’t that what stupid rich mares say to make themselves feel better after being complete wastes of time?" After a pause, Celestia points out that she is rich, but AUJ cuts her off and tells her to do something now or " Ah’ will shoot you with mah’ horn". So, Celestia starts pouring a glass of alcohol. When AUJ says she didn't mean "drink," Celestia states (not in so little words) that she shouldn't have left such a huge loop hole in her words, then. AUJ has no response and Celestia continues by saying she taught her a lesson, which is also doing something, so AUJ should thank her. But she still gets zapped, which prompts her to call AUJ out. Unfortunately, since she didn't get it in writing, AUJ doesn't feel the need to uphold her part and continues zapping Celestia into action.
[CD?] Celestia asks Rainbow Dash if having sex with someone under five hundred makes her a cradle robber. Dash says it's not illegal. Celestia says that's what she asked, but Dash just replies "...it's not illegal."
 Alterjack has a question for Celestia. Celestia gets upset at the mare for interrupting her "Celly bathtime" and threatens to shoot everyone in the castle if she doesn't leave. She also threatens her with a rubber ducky. Not even commenting on any of that, Alterjack asks how evil someone has to be to get thrown in to Tartarus. Celestia relents and tells her that the prisoner must be "suitably difficult to contain or dangerous to hold in a regular cell" and have caused " permanent bodily or magical harm to another". Until they prove themselves redeemed, they'll remain in Tartarus. Alterjack sees the logic in this and asks who's in there. "A great demon named Tirek, who must never be released!" Alterjack asks who else since one guy bing locked there seems a bit much. Celestia reveals that a Bugbear, Manticore, and other dangerous magical creatures are there as well. AUJ points out that they're just animals, but Celestia argues they're dangerous. "Ya’ll just needed a reason to justify havin’ that big area, don’t you?" Celestia reluctantly admits to that, saying the taxpayers would think it's silly if Tarturus only had one prisoner. AUJ fires back, calling her out on their deadliest prison being "a friggen zoo and IT’S ALL YER’ FAULT!" Celestia commands her rubber ducky to "BRING THE PAIN!" and explosions happen in the distant. She claims she herself didn't do that "but consider it a preface to the actual pain I will bring upon you!" AUJ asks if she's going to question the explosion, but gets cut off when Celestia calls on the ducky again, prompting closer explosions to be heard.
[OOCO] At Celestia's request, Spike holds a giant needle to her chest. He starts off saying he thinks Twilight should be doing this, what with her having magic, which is more precise than hands. Celestia insists's it's fine and tells him to hurry up and use it on her. He hesitates, questioning if she really wants to rush this considering the size of the needle: "I could stick a finger in here, that's how big it is." "Or your dick!" she fires back. Stunned for a moment, he continues past that remark (blaming it on the situation) and asks if she's sure he won't hit her heart. But she WANTS him to stab her heart and, after he states that pony bodies are weird, she pleads for him to use the adrenaline filled needle on her before suddenly collapsing. Throwing caution to the wind, he stabs her and she revives with a loud gasp, startlingly him. Despite the drug's success, Celestia curses her revival, but says Spike did a good job when he voices his immense confusion at that. Moving on, she tells Spike not to mention the fact that she ate some drugs she thought was sugar to Applejack. After calling him a good boy and giving him a cookie (that she assures him is (probably) not drugged), she threatens to kill everyone he loves if he tells ANYONE what happened and teleports away. "... but I love you." Spike says. Sensing this, Celestia realizes the paradox and a distant explosion is heard. Spike concludes that the cookies were drugged, too. [Q] "...yep, still alive. Damn it."
[OOCO] Applejack gathers up Celestia, Spike, and Shining Armor who are horrified, neutral, and excited. It turns out that AJ gathered them all to address the obesity epidemic caused by all the sugar everyone is eating and to try out her new idea. Celestia is incredulous, asking "A good way to do it is an exercise video!?" Spike is still meh about it, but Shining starts doing exercise routines. Applejack notes his excitement and Celestia lets slip it's because she "bred them to be dedicated to wanting boosts of testosterone". AJ does a double-take on that, but Celestia covers her slip up and says that he's just a silly pony. AJ seems to fall for it. Spike asks for some guns and says his workouts won't necessarily work for ponies. That's why AJ brought them, so there's different representation for the video. "Let’s pump some iron and bump some booties!" Spike asks if there will be actual booty bumping, and AJ puts it as a "maybe". Shining calls dibs on Celestia, who's happy to be dibbed, and Spike expresses faux-regret over not choosing his mother figure first. He "laments" that he'll have to partner with Applejack ("the bountiful beauty" as he puts it), but she calls for everyone to get to their corners, "Out of touching range!" She declares that they're going to get the country back in shape, topping it off with a "Who's with me?". Bulk Biceps certainly is, as sown by his loud catchphrase. [Q]"Because I bred them to be dedicated to wanting boosts of testosterone, some of us weren’t genetically engineered!"
[OOCO] Shining Armor and Celestia address the other as "Sunbutt" and "Shieldbutt," apparently as a 'rigorous' method to make sure no changeling is pretending to be them. Moving past that, Shining says he has concerns to voice. Celestia says she has big ears to listen, with Shining saying they are big and cute. His concern turns out to be about training the future defenders of Equestria since they have a lot of work to do. The problem is that Celestia is (over) a thousand years old. She says she hasn't had much luck training the new generation, but Twilight is doing well. Shining asks about the back up. There is none, but Celestia sees things working out anyways.
[OOCO] Talking with Celestia, Spike brings up the fact that he can withstand any sort of fire. Celestia takes it the wrong way and threatens to send him to the moon if he follows that thought process. However, he finishes his thought and says that he's considering becoming a blacksmith. Her threat dawns on him and he asks what she has against blacksmiths. She saves face by saying one ruined a cake of hers, which makes sense to Spike on why she's soured on them. He asks if he can become one if he's cake friendly, and she says "Yes, because that is my only issue with what you were saying. My. Only. Issue." Spike's happy. He likes their talks.
[OOCO] Spike walks in on Celestia and Shining Armor doing something and starts to say "What the fu-" before Shining cuts him off with "LANGUAGE!" Spike points out he and Celestia say "fuck" all the time in front of him, but Celestia insists she says "Fawks". Spike asks who "Fawks" is, and she tells him Fawks was some "Crazy asshole who tried to blow some shit up and messed up hard enough to accomplish nothing" and "lots of people love him for some reason." Shining says Fawks "speaks to a younger me, somehow". Moving on, Spike finally asks if they're "going to explain why you're both covered in wine". Shining says no.
[OOCO] Celestia takes Shining Armor to the Mareiana Trench: "the deepest, darkest area in all the world." She tries to pitch it as "the ultimate rush, the ultimate pressure, the ultimate low that brings the ultimate high!" But Shining deflates her mood by saying Applejack will find her anyways.
[OOCO] Spike wonders what he would be like if Celestia and/or Shining Armor raised him instead of Twilight. They think they'd be great parents. Spike isn't so sure.