Spike

"But how else am I supposed to fight someone I can't realistically beat?"

Hardworking and hard on himself as ever, Spike's resume in these stories runs an even longer list than the canon show. He cooks, cleans, helps with paperwork, makes deliveries, runs the A-team and is defacto leader of the Gunclub, trains with 77, 42, and Pinkie Pie, has taken up smithing to compensate for the lose of Twilight as a provider of arms for the A-team, runs DnD games, assists Twilight in her lab, and there's at least a few more and he always wants to do even more.

Despite these incredible accomplishments for his incredibly young age, Spike is quite hard on himself for still being unable to win a match or decisively resolve major crisis, despite the reassurances of friends (though they help stave off his angst for awhile).

Story

Thread 257

1. [1][OOCO] He states (probably sarcastically) that he's afraid upon seeing Diamond Tiara's Partybot 5000. He should be, she says, as well as he should feel inadequate in the face of it. Spike scrunches his face in thought, which she assumes to be an admittance of defeat, but he simply asks her why she built the thing anyways. After a long pause and some attempt at explanation, she gets frustrated and loudly exclaims: "DAMN IT FIFTY SIX THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"
2. [2][OOCO] At Celestia's request, he holds a giant needle to her chest. He starts off saying he thinks Twilight should be doing this, what with her having magic, which is more precise than hands. Celestia insists's it's fine and tells him to hurry up and use it on her. He hesitates, questioning if she really wants to rush this considering the size of the needle: "I could stick a finger in here, that's how big it is." "Or your dick!" she fires back. Stunned for a moment, he continues past that remark (blaming it on the situation) and asks if she's sure he won't hit her heart. But she WANTS him to stab her heart and, after he states that pony bodies are weird, she pleads for him to use the adrenaline filled needle on her before suddenly collapsing. Throwing caution to the wind, he stabs her and she revives with a loud gasp, startlingly him. Despite the drug's success, Celestia curses her revival, but says Spike did a good job when he voices his immense confusion at that. Moving on, she tells Spike not to mention the fact that she ate some drugs she thought was sugar to Applejack. After calling him a good boy and giving him a cookie (that she assures him is (probably) not drugged), she threatens to kill everyone he loves if he tells ANYONE what happened and teleports away. "... but I love you." Spike says. Sensing this, Celestia realizes the paradox and a distant explosion is heard. Spike concludes that the cookies were drugged, too.
3. [3][OOCO] Talking with Chitania, he mentions that he can grow giant-sized, too. Without the "spore superthing". Chitania is nonchalant about it, saying that that's neat. He asks if she's jealous someone else can grow bigger, but she points out that others can, too, if she tells them how. She mentions that it's apparently easy to do since Variolus learned just from being told by a third-party, so Chrysalis could probably learn it in half a second if told by her. Which she's not going to do. For anyone. Spike pleads for her to give him a hint, but she rejects him, giving him the silent treatment when he even tries to play the "I'll be your best friend" card.
4. [4][OOCO] Applejack gathers up Celestia, Spike, and Shining Armor who are horrified, neutral, and excited. It turns out that AJ gathered them all to address the obesity epidemic caused by all the sugar everyone is eating and to try out her new idea. Celestia is incredulous, asking "A good way to do it is an exercise video!?" Spike is still meh about it, but Shining starts doing exercise routines. Applejack notes his excitement and Celestia lets slip it's because she "bred them to be dedicated to wanting boosts of testosterone". AJ does a double-take on that, but Celestia covers her slip up and says that he's just a silly pony. AJ seems to fall for it. Spike asks for some guns and says his workouts won't necessarily work for ponies. That's why AJ brought them, so there's different representation for the video. "Let’s pump some iron and bump some booties!" Spike asks if there will be actual booty bumping, and AJ puts it as a "maybe". Shining calls dibs on Celestia, who's happy to be dibbed, and Spike expresses faux-regret over not choosing his mother figure first. He "laments" that he'll have to partner with Applejack ("the bountiful beauty" as he puts it), but she calls for everyone to get to their corners, "Out of touching range!" She declares that they're going to get the country back in shape, topping it off with a "Who's with me?". Bulk Biceps certainly is, as sown by his loud catchphrase.

[Q] "Oh no how horrible I was too slow oh well I guess instead of my mom figure I’ll have to work with the bountiful beauty over here sob sob sob I’m filled with regret-"

1. [5][OOCO] Talking with Celestia, he brings up the fact that he can withstand any sort of fire. Celestia takes it the wrong way and threatens to send him to the moon if he follows that thought process. However, he finishes his thought and says that he's considering becoming a blacksmith. Her threat dawns on him and he asks what she has against blacksmiths. She saves face by saying one ruined a cake of hers, which makes sense to Spike on why she's soured on them. He asks if he can become one if he's cake friendly, and she says "Yes, because that is my only issue with what you were saying. My. Only. Issue." Spike's happy. He likes their talks.
2. [6][OOCO] Spike as Shining if he can be a Dragon Prince someday. "Sure", Shining says, and then he can do nothing and have nothing expected of him like other princes. Spike has no response, with Shining continuing by pointing at Blueblood as having "HORRIBLE" implications for how the world uses males. "Like, legit, he’s the first and last male royal born guy we’ve seen and it is just not a good sign." Spike points out that Rutherford the Yak is a Prince, but realizes he's not a good example either. "Maybe I can be the good one?" Shining wishes him good luck, "Godspeed, little dragon…"
3. [7][OOCO] Spike and Shining go on about doing something "stallionly" to show how strong they are. They decide to dance.
4. [8][OOCO] Another session of OnO with Diamond Tiara, Changeling #77, and Changeling 42. It starts off with him asking confirmation of their goal to "defeat the coming pack of flaming wolves" by getting buckets and filling them with river water. They agree to that, with Diamond Tiara saying they'll start by going to a shopkeeper. Spike sets the scene with them going into the shop, but a guard asks them about the dead kennel and tavern owners. They all feign ignorance and Spike tells them to roll. Unfortunately for him, he rolls a 1 and is forced to have the guard drop the subject and leave. Moving on to the shopkeeper's wares, it turns out the buckets are 10 gold pieces each. 42 has 20g, DT has 30g, and 77 has 40g. 77 tries to barter for a lower price by saying they need them to defeat flaming wolves, but rolls below Spike's number check. 42 tries to back him up, saying the dog with them told them of the oncoming attack, but fails to number check as well. Annoyed by their supposed lies, the shopkeeper ups the price to 20g a piece. DT turns to threatening the shopkeeper and rolls, passing with a Natural 20 for Intimidation. The shopkeeper caves and tells them to take anything they want. 42 takes that literally and starts grabbing a bunch of potions. Spike's incredulous about them turning to robbery, but 42 says that the wording gives them a loophole to make it ok.
5. [9][OOCO] Spike and Shining Armor are at some sort of nerdy gathering. Shining is trying to keep his identity a secret, but Spike points out that no one cares that he does nerdy stuff and that him having a wife and kids means nerdy stereotypes don't apply to him. Shining says that's not the issue before someone recognizes him, drawing a bunch of fans to him. As Shining gets swarmed by the stampeding fans, Spike dryly quips "...long live the prince."
6. [10] As Nurse Honeyheart wheels him out of the hospital, Spike hisses and screeches about "THE LYYYYYYTEEE! THE LYYYYYTTEEE!" burning his scales. Apparently being cooped up in the hospital made his scales more sensitive for a bit.
7. [11][OOCO] Spike walks in on Celestia and Shining Armor doing something and starts to say "What the fu-" before Shining cuts him off with "LANGUAGE!" Spike points out he and Celestia say "fuck" all the time in front of him, but Celestia insists she says "Fawks". Spike asks who "Fawks" is, and she tells him Fawks was some "Crazy asshole who tried to blow some shit up and messed up hard enough to accomplish nothing" and "lots of people love him for some reason." Shining says Fawks "speaks to a younger me, somehow". Moving on, Spike finally asks if they're "going to explain why you're both covered in wine". Shining says no.
8. [12] He's watching a sunset with Nurse Honeyheart. While he takes in the beauty of it all, she starts getting meta about how sunsets work. "Is Celestia just kinda holding it up halfway and going to drop it when the moment is right?"
9. [13][OOCO] Spike asks Twilight whether they should make a friendship school. She says that's dumb since they'll be rehashing lesons they already learned.
10. [14][OOCO] Spike wonders what he would be like if Celestia and/or Shining Armor raised him instead of Twilight. They think they'd be great parents. Spike isn't so sure.

[Q] "I’m fit as fuck but have a cake obsession and don’t know a whole lot of science."

Thread 261

1. Probably due to his memories of Shining Returning, Spike keeps shouting "Bro" . Rarity wants him to stop.
2. After Rarity fails to make Applejack feel better about committing espionage, Spike asks Rarity if they’re going to make her feel better together. Rarity points out he has a hole in his stomach from his EVO fights, but he jokes about having a “high metabolism and hollow leg”. The joke falls flat for her.
3. Diamond Tiara places her rocket launcher between her legs, claiming that she’s riding him. Spike is not ok with this and asks who would be. Apparently, Shining Armor is because he appears out of nowhere and says “All pinks are beautiful!” before leaving.
4. Spike asks if he can be a part of Partyland. Pinkie Pie sincerely says he can be a jester since he looks like the kind of guy ponies can laugh at. He says he’ll take her words at face value, which she’s happy for since she doesn’t want to get called racist again. Spike wonders if he can use this to his advantage and tests it on a Canterlot pony (that gets startled by his presence) to extort money.
5. Pinkie Pie is in a frenzy trying to get people ready for something (the 5 Year Anniversary). Spike asks if it’s for Partyland, but her response is non-commital.
6. Diamond Tiara asks Spike if he’s alright as the two of them look over Canterlot. He says his wounds still ache a bit, prompting Diamond Tiara to share the sentiment and remark that they barely made it out alive during the assault on EVO Tower in Hoofington. Spike notes that they might at least be out of threats to deal with, a thought Diamond Tiara hopes remains since she doesn’t want to see what could top a “chunk of the almighty” as an antagonist. He doesn’t want to think about that hypothetical next threat or what it could do to them and says they should enjoy the peace, but Diamond Tiara is unsure how to do that and wonders what’s next. When Spike offers to just want and see, she asks how that worked out for the both of them. After a moment of silence, Spike says she’s right before taking a deep breath and yelling like a maniac as he runs to Rarity’s room in the castle. Falling on his face as he enters, he hurriedly asks Rarity on a date. Which she she gladly accepts. Meanwhile, Diamond Tiara is left greatly confused.
7. Diamond Tiara is still confusedly staring after where Spike crazily ran off to when she hears an increasingly loud yell. Suddenly, Spike tackles her (and her wheelchair) to the ground and begs her to help him learn how to date good. It takes some time for her to shake off her surprise, but she says she’ll help and Spike hugs her.

Trivia

• Spike's primary gun, Charity, is based on the Smith & Wesson 500 revolver, but has been modified considerably.
• Spike's second gun (though rarely used), is Crackerjack I, based on the Ion Laser from Bioshock 2's Minerva's Den DLC. This version though uses powercells from Blueblood's robot army and seems far more effective at destroying machines (and possibly heavy armor) than organics. It is also out of power and Twilight has declined modifying
• Spike's third and secondary gun, Crackerjack II, was given to him by Big Macintosh and is a Russian TP-82, a type of shotgun used by Soviet Cosmonauts for survival after landing in the Russian wilderness
• He's been through a lot over the course of the threads, want to hear it summed up in rap form? Now you can!

https://soundcloud.com/applesnack/lost-spike

This isn't him being melodramatic, you'd wish for death too if you were in his place.

"I don't care if I can't hit anything, this is awesome!"

"I don't care if it's for kids and I can't hit anything, this is awesome!"

"Fine, I put it away, are you happy?"

Spike, member of the A-team! Which means Assault! Or Attack. Or Alabaster. Or Apple? Something A.

Costumes for the A-team had some challenges when he realized most of them are nudists.

Is it a bomb? Growth serum? Secret weapon? Really nice cup of hot coco? Only one way to find out!

Okay this is just getting prophetic at this point.

Well what did you think was going to happen after the fifteenth time you got shot? Those bang pictures have consequences!

I told you! I told you those bangs would come back to bite you!

Some nightmare night costumes are better than others.

I'm sorry, Sir Spike the Magnificent does not pause tea time.

He's not terrified, he's staring into the existential void and wonderinf if this is his life now. It is.

Not one of his nicer days.

I spot something in the distance. Something... that needs tightening.

GRR! You hit things to tighten them right? That's how that works? Games wouldn't lie!

When growing big isn't an option, you find another way to kick giant ass.

Every mother is embarrassing. No exception.

You wonder sometimes

He'll figure out how nuts and bolts work eventually.

Do ya' feel lucky, punk?

Trigger disipline, people! Make sure when you're posing, remeber the trigger!

Why is a hoverbike this close to the ground? You know why. Worth it.

A fire breather, underwater? What could go wrong!

That, obviously.

Its hard being a dragon, any place in the world someone wants a piece of you.

Dragons have a way of taking their own pieces.

All face to face debates have to begin with at least one party trying to kill the other, dragon code.

There's a reason he's smirking and she's not, and its called "Blast radius"

Always come to Nightmare Night armed, you never know what'll pop up